I want you to have joy

“I want you to have joy.”

Those are the six words my mother said to me over the phone earlier this month.

As I’ve shared a little and grappled with emotions postpartum brings to some of us women like anxiety, depression and some OCD tendencies, some folks have mentioned meds. Those folks have reminded me that it’s Ok to ask for help. Now, I appreciate that more than ever.

I wanted to do this thing without them this time because I felt strong enough and I felt resilient and capable when I reached deep enough.

And I want to say this, there is nothing wrong with medication and therapy. I recommend those avenues for those who need them. And you will know when you absolutely need them, I wholeheartedly believe it.

I thank God for bringing me this far. And I do regret thinking the worst when people were just trying to be helpful.

Truly, no one has the right words, but it should mean something when they try. It should remind you that they love you, not that you are inadequate. Because you, my friend, are strong and capable and so was I and so I am.

I wanted to give a brief update and share some exciting news. I am embracing joy and feeling much better.

I’m starting to see the light during month three of this postpartum journey.

And the most helpful thing I think I’ve done besides pray is lean into support from others.

From my experience, for every story I have about something crazy that’s happened, someone else has an even crazier story. From mysterious bumps and marks to weird sleeping patterns, everyone has these stories about their babies.

These are the moments that have breathed life into me. Why? Because it’s so easy to beat yourself up for small mistakes.

Did I mention I’m the queen of perfectionism and the shoulda coulda woulda done it better club (memberships are free)?

I’ve wasted a lot of my time being critical on myself as a mom (thanks hormones, personality and depression traits). I’ve beat myself up for minor things and worried a lot about things I can’t control. If I could go back I’d give myself a hug and tell her not to listen to fear and not to worry that something is wrong with you or your little love. God has you tightly in His arms and He has a plan.

I’d tell that scared mom, “you’re doing great,” “there’s nothing wrong with your brain,” “you’re new to this gig and it will turn out Ok.”

I don’t know where you are, but if you’ve experienced some sort of depression and conquered it, you remember the feeling.

That first glimmer of sunshine dancing on your face as you make your way out of the darkness. It’s like the feeling of spring, a new rebirth, the start of a deep breath of fresh air dampened with dew and the hope for a great day ahead. The feeling of satisfaction you are here among the living and that your blessings are so tangible you wonder how you missed the joy they brought each day.

May all of these blessings be yours and may you bask in the love God has for you in these moments.

Incase you need reminding, you are strong. He is stronger. You are safe in His arms, secure in His love and always on His mind.

Sending love and prayers to you in your season of life. May you always know how important you are, how loved you are and that even when you feel misunderstood, you are seen and heard by the Father.

Love and blessings,

Jess