Keep score or keep peace? What I’m learning about the power of being a team player

Marriage is hard. Life is hard.  Relationships are hard. Balancing work and personal life is hard. But, it all comes down to our mindset.

As a perfectionist I was always one of the ones carrying a group project on my back. No complaints. Just get the job done.

I’ve learned over time that it is great to be driven, dependable and productive, but often diverse perspectives and individuals working as a team produce greater results.

It’s easy to have a bad attitude when you take on the role of being a martyr and doing it all yourself. But when you put yourself in a team-oriented environment and mindset, everything feels and is a lot more obtainable.

So how can we learn to foster a team mindset?

I asked my Ai assistant to find studies about the benefits of being a team player in work and home relationships. Let’s take a moment to consider them together.

From ChatGPT:

Strategies to Be a Team Player at Work and at Home

1. Practice Active Listening

At Work: Improves collaboration, reduces misunderstandings, and fosters trust in teams.

At Home: Helps your partner or family members feel seen and heard, reducing conflict.

• Research Basis: Active listening improves team satisfaction and reduces errors (Weger et al., International Journal of Listening, 2014).

• Tip: Repeat what you hear to clarify: “So what I’m hearing is…”

My Take: I’ll admit, I learned this the hard way. As a journalist I tried to write it all down. But then my boss after several mistakes and very hard edits taught me that you have to listen to people and what that really means. The notepad was my crutch. I was not connecting with people and really hearing them. It’s important for people to be heard and for their names to be remembered and always spelled correctly! There is power in being heard … and value and wisdom too!

2. Clarify Roles and Expectations

At Work: Clear roles reduce confusion and increase productivity.

At Home: Avoids resentment over who does what, especially with chores, parenting, and decisions.

• Research Basis: Role clarity correlates with job satisfaction and performance (Katz & Kahn, 1978).

• Tip: Have regular “check-in” conversations to realign expectations.

My Take: Isn’t it easier said than done? I think the point is to always keep communicating even if it’s not perfect. Even if it’s frustrating or feels unbalanced. Keep communicating. That’s the only way it will turn around.

3. Foster Psychological Safety

At Work: Encourage open ideas without fear of judgment.

At Home: Create a safe space for honest communication and emotions.

• Research Basis: Psychological safety is a core element of high-performing teams (Google’s Project Aristotle).

• Tip: Respond with curiosity, not criticism.

My Take: I’m working on this. I’m quick to jump sometimes and criticize when I should reframe my response. Should people really argue over unfolded laundry? Probably not. Is it worth it? Definitely not. Still … working. 🤪

4. Use “I” Statements, Not Blame

At Work: Builds accountability without defensiveness.

At Home: Prevents escalation of conflict and supports emotional safety.

• Research Basis: Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg, 2003) shows that expressing feelings and needs enhances connection.

• Example: “I felt overwhelmed when I handled dinner alone yesterday. Can we plan together next time?”

My Take: I think this is valuable but I like to use “from my perspective” instead of “I.” However, I like to try to step back and see from all sides to be fair and I know that makes a difference in interpreting behaviors.

5. Assume Positive Intent

At Work: Reduces office drama and promotes cooperation.

At Home: Helps you give loved ones the benefit of the doubt.

• Research Basis: Cognitive reappraisal improves relationships and reduces stress (Gross & John, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003).

• Tip: Before reacting, pause and ask yourself, “What might they be dealing with right now?”

My Take: I think I do this well. But, I try not to be naive about things. Sometimes people have their ways and that impacts how they act and it’s nothing personal. I try to keep that in mind.

6. Give Constructive Feedback—Kindly

At Work: Improves outcomes and team growth.

At Home: Supports mutual improvement without damaging the relationship.

• Research Basis: Balanced feedback increases trust and personal growth (Stone & Heen, Thanks for the Feedback, 2014).

• Tip: Use the “sandwich method” — praise, feedback, praise.

My Take: No one wants a critic unless you’re a journalist. Then you want 10 people to workshop your article before it goes out. I’m heavy on this. Give feedback but be kind. Remember everyone can be teachable and that’s the best thing to be. But you must also try to teach well and remember you don’t always know everything. We could live for 1,000 years and still manage to learn something new everyday.

7. Serve and Support Without Keeping Score

At Work: Builds morale and reputation as a team player.

At Home: Strengthens bonds and teaches generosity.

• Research Basis: Altruistic behavior increases satisfaction in relationships (Algoe et al., 2010).

• Tip: Focus on what you can give, not what you’re owed.

My Take: I like justice and fairness and balance. So it’s hard sometimes to “forget” after forgiving. But it sure feels good to give anyway. And gee I guess I’m still working on this too!

Here’s something fun, it’s not a personality quiz, but it’s close! How much of a team player are you? Take the quiz below and let me know in the comments how you fared!

Quiz: Are You a Team Player at Work and Home? Brought to you by ChatGPT, engineered with a side of wit.

Let’s find out if you’re more like a dependable teammate… or a solo superstar in need of a humble pie.

Pick the option that sounds most like you. Tally your points as you go!

1. Your cousin Janice “forgets” to bring the paper plates to the family reunion. You…

A) Say, “Typical Janice,” and grumble as you run to Dollar General. (1 point)

B) Text your group chat to complain, then grab napkins from your car. (2 points)

C) Laugh it off and ask what else she needs help setting up. (3 points)

D) Loudly announce that you were on time and remembered your stuff. (0 points)

2. At work, nobody wants to refill the printer paper. You…

A) Walk past it like it’s invisible. Not your job. (1 point)

B) Refill it with flair, then announce, “You’re welcome!” (2 points)

C) Quietly refill it and make a mental note to bring cookies for the office next week. (3 points)

D) Leave a sticky note that says, “Why is this always empty?” (0 points)

3. During a team huddle, your coworker Sneaky Simon suggests your exact idea. You…

A) Interrupt loudly to reclaim credit. (1 point)

B) Roll your eyes so hard they practically echo. (2 points)

C) Let him have the moment—you’re in it for the team win. (3 points)

D) Slap a “Team Thief” sticky note on his laptop later. (0 points)

4. Your partner’s had a rough day, but you were just about to sit down and chill. They ask for help with the dishes. You…

A) Groan and say, “Fine. But just this once.” (1 point)

B) Do them while mumbling about how you’re not appreciated. (2 points)

C) Say, “Let’s knock them out together—then chill time!” (3 points)

D) Suddenly remember you have to water a plant. In the garage. Alone. (0 points)

5. Your niece is making a group slideshow for Grandma’s birthday, and she wants your input. You…

A) Say, “Do whatever you want. I’m not techy.” (1 point)

B) Give vague advice like “Make it nice” and then criticize it later. (2 points)

C) Jump in with ideas and help polish it up. (3 points)

D) Suggest making a slideshow of your own childhood instead. (0 points)

6. During the church cleanup day, you see someone sweeping the entire fellowship hall. You…

A) Slip out the back door before someone sees you. (0 points)

B) Toss them a “Good job!” and go grab a snack. (1 point)

C) Grab a broom and say, “Let’s divide and conquer!” (3 points)

D) Pretend to be deep in “conversation ministry.” (2 points)

7. Your family can’t decide on a vacation spot. Everyone’s arguing. You…

A) Say, “Whatever. I’ll just stay home.” (1 point)

B) Suggest the place YOU want and pout if it’s not picked. (2 points)

C) Offer a compromise or help everyone vote. (3 points)

D) Start an anonymous poll and call it “Vacationgate 2025.” (0 points)

Scoring Rubric:

• 18–21 points: Ultimate Team Player

You’re the MVP of both your workplace and family group chat. You step up without showing off, keep the peace, and bring snacks. People count on you—and you deliver!

• 13–17 points: Solid Supporter

You’re a good teammate with a side of sass. With just a little more patience (especially with Janice and Sneaky Simon), you could level up your teamwork game.

• 7–12 points: Sometimes Solo Star

You help… when it’s convenient. You’ve got potential, but you may need to unplug your ego and plug into the people around you.

• 0–6 points: Lone Wolf Alert

Teamwork gives you hives. But life is better with a crew. Try stepping out of your comfort zone—you might find some joy in shared wins!